Archive for the 'Letters To No One' Category
Wednesday, April 23rd, 2008
Dear Mr. Jet Li,
Hello! How are you? First of all, I’d like to say that I’m a HUGE fan. Been a fan since the first movie I saw you in, I think that was Once Upon a Time in China, and have fallen head over heels ever since. I even wanted to learn kungfu because of you! I’ve watched Once Upon a Time in China (1,2,3,6), Last Hero in China, Fong Sai Yuk 1 & 2, Tai Chi Master, Swordsman, Bodyguard from Beijing, My Father Is a Hero… loved it loved it! The way you kick so much ass without even breaking a sweat just takes my breath away. And that look you always have - the sullen, serious, unsmiling, intense, one-look-can-kill-you face when you kick ass. Wah, seriously can die. Well, eventhough Blackmask and Dr Wai wasn’t so great I let it slide and still taught you were one of the best things that ever came into my life after Nutella. I loved you so much back then I used to cut out all your big movie ads from the papers and kept them, just so that I could feel closer to you. On retrospect it sounds a little psychotic but hey I was young and delusional what can I say?
Then you started to venture into Hollywood. I thought hey why not. If he can make it so big in China, I’m sure America can’t be that hard. If Bruce Lee can so can he. If Jackie Chan can so can he. He’s cuter than Bruce, less annoying than Jackie, and definitely more ass-kicking than both of them combined because he uses REAL Shoalin kungfu! How can he not make it?
I remembered your debut English film. Lethal Weapon 4. I was so excited! Lethal Weapon 4 wasn’t too bad at all, watching the 2 out of touch middle-aged cops who’ve been through one too many gun-fights and getting rather sick of all the action taking cheap shots at each other was hilarious. I thought you were excellent as the stereotypical Chinese gangster. I was however, quite upset that you were only given about 10 minutes of face time in the movie, and that Mel Gibson killed you off too easily and quickly – HAH as if he could in real life, them stupid gwai lohs are so unbelievably full of themselves man.
I suppose Lethal Weapon 4 was enough publicity for you to open the floodgates to so many of your other English movies.
Romeo Must Die
Kiss of the Dragon
The One
Cradle 2 the Grave
Rise to Honor
Unleashed
It breaks my heart to say this to you, my childhood idol, my hero. But I really didn’t like all of them (watched at least 4 of them and saw the trailers for the rest). At most they were B grade movies. Sure there were big stars in them. Sure your English was so much better than Jackie Chan’s. But the plots were so lame. The acting so wooden. The script wasn’t too great. Your Chinese emotionless made-of-steel “yau yeng” face looked wrong in them. And seriously, white people just don’t have the slightest clue on how to showcase your kungfu prowess effectively in all its ass-kicking glory. It’s as if they were mocking you. And by mocking you they were mocking us, your fans. And I hated that it felt like you were merely their puppet to fuck around with while they poke fun of your awesome kungfu skills. WHY DO YOU KEEP LETTING THEM DO THIS TO YOU? WHY?
Then you had to go act in a weird artsy pretty-looking kungfu movie – Hero, and that idiot director had you walking on water, and flying about like some clown, which I for the life of me, just couldn’t accept. Huo Yuan Jia felt too self-indulgent and I didn’t really like that either. But at least you made it up for all of that in The Warlords, which also happens to be one of my favourite movies of 2007. But I felt that it still wasn’t quite you.
It makes me feel very sad that I actually cringe at the thought of your new movies now. “oh no, how bad is the next movie going to suck”. You and Chow Yun Fatt both were excellent Chinese actors given awful shitty roles with lousy cheesy scripts in English movies. Jackie Chan gets away with that because he HAS been playing awful shitty roles with lousy cheesy scripts in Chinese. But no, not you Jet Li. Not Chow Yun Fatt. Please, please I pray you, stop selling yourselves short it’s really too painful for me to watch anymore.
Then one day, as I was loitering around the shopping mall and I saw this GINORMOUS POSTER.
THE FORBIDDEN KINGDOM! OMG IT IS SO BEAUTIFUL! MY PRAYERS WERE ANSWERED. JET LI! JACKIE CHAN (bleah)! FLYING-KICKING! OMG! TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! IT’S GOING TO BE AWESOME I CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH IT CAN’T WAIT CAN’T WAIT. Eventhough I am NO fan of Jackie but OMG JET LI you’re doing another wuxia film I can’t believe it it’s really going to be so awesome CAN DIE!!!!
Then I saw your TRAILER!!!! I nearly pissed my pants and squealed in girly delight when I saw your face… your name… you kungfuing with Jackie Chan and… WTF!!!?!?!?!?!?!?
WHAT IS THAT WHITE BOY DOING IN THERE.
IT’S IN ENGLISH?!@?!?!!?!?
HOW THE FUCK CAN IT BE IN ENGLISH.
ENGLISH!!!!!!!!!111111111noe. WTF!!!!!!!!!!
HEY WTF IS GOING ON HERE I THOUGHT IT WAS A WUXIA FILM WTF I DON’T UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON WHAT THE FUCK! ENGLISH? WHITE BOY? HAVE YOU LOST YOU BLOODY MIND?!??! ARGH HULKRAGE HEAD EXPLODE CRUSH FURRY CREATURES EAT RAINBOWS STOMP ON AMERICA
Dear Mr. Jet Li,
I can’t even begin to describe the wave of emotions I’m feeling right now. It’s like you grabbed my heart out from my ribcage with your bare hands and then tore it to pieces, laughing maniacally at me for being such a fool. I feel like wanting to kill myself just thinking about it. I’m so depressed, so broken. I just want to hide in a dark lonely corner and cry. I don’t know what to make of it. This… thing. This… movie. Do I really want to watch this with that horrible sinking gut feeling that it WILL SUCK? Please say something, anything to make me want to watch this thing.
Still your very loyal but heart-broken fan,
FA
Letters To No One |
Monday, March 3rd, 2008
Hi all,
I want to get my teeth fixed. I don’t buy all that bullshit like you don’t need it lah, beauty comes from within lah, don’t waste 4 perfectly good teeth, lah, it’s not going to be worth it lah, you’re going to go through hell for a year, your crooked inverted front teeth makes you unique lah, it’s gonna show up in pictures lah etc etc. Fuck all that “things your mother would say” shit to hell.
Maybe next year with even more funding I could even get a boob job and there shall be world peace.
I digress.
Question - where can I do it (teeth job lah not boob job, faggots) for good and at an affordable rate? I’d like to have the type of braces where it matches your teeth colour. The porcelain(?) sort, not the ones with silvery metal pieces. I need recommendations, please. Feel free to leave a comment or email me with details on:
1. where
2. how much
3. related experience with recommended dentist
4. contact details of dentist
It goes without saying that I will definitely take pictures.
Thanks a million!
Much love and all that lovey stuff,
FA
Letters To No One |
Saturday, May 6th, 2006
Should you care about what random strangers think of you?
How they draw their conclusions of what you are based solely on your blog?
A blog which is like, 1 window out of a hundred windows into your life?
It doesn’t matter what insignificant speck of dusts who don’t know you think about you, does it?
What really matters is that friends and family, who know who you are KNOW that you aren’t what all these losers say you are, right?
Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me.
That’s bullshit. Names hurt too.
And then you sit down and you wonder to yourself why are they saying things like that about you. “Is this true?” “Is this really the sort of impression I’m giving off to the general public?” “Is THIS how I want people to think of me?” “am I really that sort of person people say I am?” “Am I really a [insert derogatory characteristic here]”
Sometimes you lose yourself, get all confused and you start believing in those accusations. Unfounded as they may be. You’re quite sure that they are unfounded… quite sure, you think. It can’t be true. Are you really society’s trash? A drunkard? A wildchild? A slut? A shallow-minded bitch? A social pariah? An attention-seeking whore? A desperate single girl with deep personal & emotional issues?
You may drink and dance and camwhore and curse and swear a little too much sometimes. But you have your own good qualities, at least you think so. How else would you have friends who care? Who IS perfect anyway? You’re a nice girl. You know that. People who really know you know that too! If strangers don’t see it then it’s their fucking problem, or is it? Maybe the problem is yours. Maybe you should change, turn over a new leaf. Stop all this nonesense. Control your angst and frustrations. Be one of those typical demure little quiet smiley pleasant-to-look-at furniture with manufactured homogenus personalities you see everyfuckingwhere like one cent coins. Succumb to society’s perception of “decent”. Maybe then people would accept you more because, hey, that’s what you’re supposed to be like around here.
After all aren’t we brought up in a conservative society which thrives on being socially accepted?
But would you be happy? Would that be you? Who ARE you?
What’s so bad about being you anyway? What’s wrong with knowing how to have fun without being too much of the system’s bitch? What is so unacceptable about not taking yourself too seriously sometimes?
Man, this is utter bollocks.
Haters should just fuck off, bury their heads in the lavas of an active volcano and burn in the fiery pits of hell, BITCHES.
Letters To No One |
Monday, April 3rd, 2006
Dear Mr Gavin Yap,
Fuck you very much for shoving this piece of very disturbing play onto our faces. Seriously how the fuck did you get pass the censors? Vagina Monologues wasn’t even allowed before. MJ wasn’t even allowed to grab his crotch on stage. MJ okay. INTERNTIONAL SUPER STAR. AND YOU. you. YOU. YOU WERE ALLOWED TO PUT UP A PLAY. FOR ABOUT A WEEK OR SO. ABOUT A FOUL-MOUTHED, INCESTUOUS FAMILY. WITH A CHICK FACE SUCKING with not just ONe, but TWO men, ON STAGE and got her to emulate a SEX scene with some hunky boy. WTF?!?!?! How much did you pay them? Did it hurt when you try sitting down after they were done with you, you whore.
The director.
Did you know that right after I got home, I sat down and read through most of the production diary, to understand the whole production process, to understand just what the FUCK was in that twisted mind of yours when you wanted to put this up, and to understand what the rest of the cast felt. I did enjoyed the blog very much, by the way. Your personal thoughts in it as a director and how the rest of your insane crew were “in-character” when THEY blogged were very enjoyable and gave simple-minded folk like me a small peek into your little demented worlds.
The guilt-stricken driver/voyeur/uncle
But I digress.
Do you know that you’re one sick twisted bugger? You most absolutely are.
Actually, not you, Pinter is. Pinter is a sick motherfucker. Freud would have a LOT to say about him. TO him.
During the Q&A session, you said you didn’t want to send out a message, didn’t want to make a statement. Unlike 99.9% of local productions which did. You said you wanted to do this for the fuck of it. You said you didn’t really care what the audience felt, as long as they felt something, as long as they weren’t indifferent about it.
I have bigger balls than you, Teddy.
What to know how I felt? I don’t care. You HAVE to.
First, let me tell you that I was sitting there, RIGHT THERE, right in the FRONT ROW, which was on the SAME level as the set, as if I was IN the set like part of the furniture, which made me felt like I was standing precariously at the edge of a 100 floor building’s roof, on tiptoe. Anytime now that Lenny would let the hammer go and break my knee. Anytime now Max’s tongkat would hit my arm. Anytime now somebody would fling that white mug from being TOO in-character and it would land on my face in pieces.
Ruth is as scary as Chucky of child’s play.
The whole thing was so believable that all I could do was just sit there, cringing at the edge of the seat for 2 whole fucking hours.
And after the goddamn play I felt drained.
Emotionally and mentally completely drained.
And dirty.
I wanted to watch 3 Walt Disney cartoons in a row.
Disney, please save me.
I wanted to lock myself in my room, blast my Limp Bizkit on maximum volume and ball up in a fetal position, crying while I’m rocking myself to sleep. And then bathe in a bathtub full of vodka to wash off the filth.
Eh, which gym you go to ah?
I didn’t want to touch nobody talk to nobody. I didn’t even fucking CAMWHORE, which by the way is just SOMETHING I DO. IT WAS MY THING. I ALWAYS CAMWHORE. ALWAYS. MY MIND WAS SO GONE I HAD COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT CAMWHORING.
The outrage!
After this, I will never see families the same way again.
The word “tuck” is now a filthy, filthy word to me. As is “sip”.
You have tainted me forEVER.
I hope you’re happy now, you mindfucking bastard.
Ahem. What I was REALLY trying to say is that you were all fanfuckingtastic. The only reason I’m all fucked like this was because the direction and cast was brilliant enough to make the characters come alive, to make the play feel so damn REAL for me, as an audience.
But it still doesn’t change the fact that the play totally raped my mind. Bitches.
Just me,
FA
P/s 1: I think you’re quite hot. In a grunge/skater-boy/druggy/homeless person sort of way. Are you really going to be half naked in the next skit? Which half?
Quite hot.
P/s 2: I saw you downing that bottle of Carlsberg just before the play started. You alcoholic.
P/s 3: While the ENTIRE cast was ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT, Lenny was my favourite character of all, even if he WAS the scariest one. If Hannibal Lector had a childhood he would’ve been a Lenny. Though sometimes.. the “accents” do get a little bit distracting.
Lenny scares me.
P/s 4: The lightning was superb. Mr Lim did a faNTASTIC job. I loved how the different lights were used to set different moods and to differentiate one room from another. Best light work I have EVER seen.
*I* had the scissors you flaming paedophilic homosexual bastard.
P/s: 5. Thanks for the invite, Patrick. Even if I did have to pay for my OWN ticket. Even if we had to go ALL THE FUCKING WAY to some godknowswhere secluded jungle of SENTUL, it was worth it.
The set.
More!
Suanie
Lainie
Kimberly
Paul
Cheneille
ST
The Homecoming Blog
Now if you’ll all excuse me, I need to go fix myself a strong drink. To forget. Everything.
Letters To No One, Reviews |
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