Archive for the 'Reviews' Category

Twilight Series in Summary

Monday, March 16th, 2009

I noticed that people were STILL reading the damn books, thought might as well get this off my chest now.

It’s chucked in the children’s section, understand!

I’m so embarrassed to say that I’ve read all the 4 books.

Well, the redeeming thing is that I didn’t exactly READ ALL the books. I skipped through most of the pages just to get the storyline. If the book had 400 pages, I’ve probably read about 150.

Biggest reason for doing so was because I couldn’t NOT stand the protagonist. Fucking childish self absorbed EMO oh everything revolves around ME ME ME ME brat.

Second biggest reason was because of the writing style. I this I that. I hate I like I enjoy I love I want I thought I I I I I I. In one paragraph there must’ve been about a hundred I’s in there. Makes the protagonist even MORE unlikeable to me.

Thirdly because it felt wrong to even want to READ the book, so skipping through the pages kinda didn’t meant I was actually READING it, more like skimming through it.

SO. To spare YOU from having to actually read the damn book to get to the storyline, I’ve summarised each book as follows:

Book 1:
I’m in love with a vampire. He loves me too. I want to make out with him, but he could kill me because of his super vampire strength. I want nothing more than to be a vampire, but he doesn’t let me. I whine whine whine whine about it because I’m super horny. Then I get into trouble, but I get saved by my boyfriend and his family.

Book 2:
My best friend’s a werewolf, and is in love with me. I love hanging out with him but I don’t love him as much as I love my vampire boyfriend who left me during most parts of the book for my safety. Oh by the way, vampires and werewolves are enemies… and both sides no likey when I hang out with the other side.Inevitably, I get myself into trouble again, but of course get saved.

Book 3:
Ooh, vampires and wolves CAN become friends, coz they worked together to get me out of trouble YET again.

Book 4:
I have a child! THEN I become a vampire too, yeay! My child is like pissing everybody off so there’s this huge ass vampire world war happening because of it but I sorta helped saved everybody because I am so powerful! Yeay!

The end, and you’re welcome.

How does twilight compare to Harry Potter? Well, HP was fun in the beginning but it got so damn tedious when Rowling hopped onto the self-wank bus that I couldn’t even be bothered to read the last book. Twilight’s series on the other hand… was “meh” right from the beginning. Reading the book does not automatically make you a member of the “cool club”, if you get what I mean. In fact, it’s probably a -10 to Cool Factor. Plus, the book totally screws up the vampire image. I mean, come on they have skin which glitter like diamonds? WTF? RL Stine, please give Stephenie some classes please, thanks.

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Confessions Of A Shopaholic (Book).

Saturday, March 7th, 2009

I’m at page 122 of this book and I’ve hated it since 100 pages ago.

This reminds me why I NEVER read chic lit.

It’s mind numbingly annoying. Every single bit of it is.

The main character is fucking out of this world. She is completely delusional, a pathological lying psycho, whines like bitch, does not possess a single ounce of willpower or logic and above all, has absolutely no sense of ethics or responsibility.

I can actually feel my IQ dropping after every page turn.

I fucking HATE chic lit with every fibre of my being. Fucking stupid wasting time piece of trash.

Back to finishing the stupid book. I paid for it anyway.

Stupid book.

But guess I’m the bigger idiot for buying it. And then having to finish it.

(I hope the book is nothing like the movie)

Edit:
Done reading the abominable thing. Couldn’t bear reading every line so ended up skipping many pages at a go. I had to, otherwise I would’ve to stick my head down the toilet and flush it. Fucking hate the ridiculous storyline - Girl has no control over her addiction to shop. All her credit cards are busted. Keeps attempting to “run away” from her escalating bills. Does jack-all at work. Makes up all sorts of crazy lies to get by on life on a daily basis. Absolutely clueless about life because all she really cares about is herself and her shopping. Then somehow by a stroke of luck lands herself with a fucking awesome job and a millionaire for a boyfriend and everything’s fine and dandy. STUPID. This shit is fucking WORSE than Disney’s happy ever after lies. ARGH I’m SO AGITATED. WHAT THE FUCK BULLSHIT STORY IS THIS! I HATE CHICK LIT I HATE CHICK LIT YOU’LL NEVER CATCH ME ANYWHERE NEAR THESE VILE SHIT EVERY AGAIN… It’s not EVEN LIT. It’s freaking TRASH. It does NOT belong in the fiction section of the bookstore. It belongs in the TRASHCAN. oh god i have “he’s not into you”. Stupid 3 for 2 book promotions ARGH. WHY DO I DO THESE THINGS TO MYSELF! I’ve to go calm myself down now with beer before i start stomping on things. kthxbai.

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The Punisher

Wednesday, February 11th, 2009

1 word.

Don’t.

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The Day The Earth Stood Still

Friday, January 16th, 2009

I watched this WEEKS ago, but forgot to write about it until I saw that GSC was still playing it. And it got me thinking, “GSC IS STILL SHOWING IT? WHY ARE PEOPLE STILL WATCHING IT! WHY! STOP THIS INSANITY NOW.” I took it upon myself to have to DO something NOW before it’s too late for the rest of you. It was too late for me but it still might not too late for YOU! I will SAVE you from parting with your hard earned money for shitty movies like this. I shall be your saviour, your saint,your guardian angel. STOP WATCHING THIS MOVIE. LET IT DIE. MAKE IT GO AWAY.

I have only 2 reasons why you shouldnt watch this movie. And 2 reasons is more than enough, I swear it on your doggy’s paw.

Firstly, Keanu Reeves. Enough said.

Secondly, nothing happens. I shit you not. You spend about 11 bucks to watch absolutely NOTHING happening on a big giant tv for about 2 hours.

30 mins into the movie - nothing happens.
60 mins into the movie - nothing happens.
90 minutes into the movie - something THREATENS to happen.
105 minutes into the movie - annnnnddd gues what? nothing happens.

Why. why why why WHY! Why are people spending gajillion dollars to make pointless UN-entertaining movies! Why can’t they just take that money and use it for more meaningful causes like FEEDING THE POOR or PROVIDING HOMELESS CHILDREN WITH HOMES, and with a camcorder, tape AIR for 105 minutes instead! Less work, less money, more points in heaven, same bloody results.

Please, I implore you, do NOT watch this movie. There’s always a much better alternative than taking a road that WILL lead you to a one way street directly to dissapointmentville. Watching your 11 bucks being flushed down the toilet would be 1,000 times more entertaining than this piece of self wanking shit they try to pass of as a fucking movie.

Goodnight.

Reviews | 18 Comments

Twilight

Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008

Oh god. Not another teen something or other story.
Oh, it’s a love story of a tortures 400 teen vampire is it?
How fucking original.
My RL Stine phase was like 20 years ago lah.

I told myself I would never ever ever read the damn book.
But now I find myself watching the damn movie.
Nonononono!!!!! I didn’t pay to watch this I swear it was free!
(Thanks DavidLian & Suanie!!!)

Seriously, what is up with the lead actor? He is FUGLY.
I couldn’t get over how bloody ugly he was.
He is so fugly he makes fugly people look like contestants in a beauty pageant.
He is so fugly, there is no word in the english language that even describes his whole new type of ugly.
Ugly as ass.
Worse than ass.
Ugly as warts on a toad.
No, uglier.
Uglier than a thousand buckets of alien vomit after a hardcore drunken night out on alien booze.
No, uglier than THAT.
He looks like a corpse that’s been dead for a hundred years.
Oh wait, that’s the point right?
Argh, you get my point.
He is just UGLY.

And it’s not as if he had any on screen charisma.
Fucker walks like his balls are as big as a durian.
Or has durian for balls.
Which explains why he had to kangkang so besar besar… scared the legs terkena the thorns from his balls.
Wahkakakka.

Mygod, Robert Pattinson fans are so kinda burn me on a stake for this.
Sorry ar, one girl’s meat another girl’s sewage lah.
Feel free to make fun of the men I think are hot.
… like Peter Facinelli and Cam Gigandet… oooooh.

Oh what about the movie ar? Well, I went in knowing that it’s going to be some cheesy, juvenile harry potter version of a vampire movie so you could say that I went in with negative expectations.

But at the end of the day, I find myself not hating this movie.

I can’t believe it either.

Despite the plastic acting, corny lines, the fugly lead actor, even the 2 minute cheesy scenes from the karaoke mtv clip flashback moment.

I didn’t hate it.

Ashamed and speechless? Me too.

Maybe I didn’t hate it because it was free? Probably.
But how do you explain the fact that I actually WANT to read the book now? HUH HUH?
I’ve got no explanations for that.

Sigh. Next thing you know I’m wanting to watch The Disaster Movie.
Should that ever happens please feel free to stab me in the chest with the nearest sharp instrument you can find.
Please.

Reviews | 10 Comments