Archive for the 'Reviews' Category

Speed Racer

Tuesday, May 13th, 2008

3 words - Don’t watch it.

Unless you are one (or both) of the following:

1) really high on something. And by high I mean giggly happy and able to laugh at something mundane like a piece of rock by the roadside.
2) 7 years old or younger with ADD. The psychedelic kaleidoscope of colours will entertain you for the entire TWO FREAKING LONG HOURS.

It’s really bad. No wait. The first few minutes started out quite promising, watching the super hi-tech cars outracing each other on the, literally, killer tracks in hi-res explosion of every single blinding colour the human brain can fathom.

Then the characters were introduced, and the storyline unfolded. It had to have depth (happy family), had to be all self-righteous and shove moral shit down your throat (small humble family business versus greedy money sucking capitalistic conglomerates), had to have flash-backs (use the force, luke), had to have annoying sidekicks (cue fat boy and his pet monkey every 5 fucking minutes - harhar), had to have some element of un-funny (cue fat boy and his pet monkey every 5 fucking minutes - harhar) - which spoilt the ENTIRE MOVIE and dragged the movie on and on and on and on and on and on into a spiraling vortex of VOMIT… and just when you think coming to an end where you’ll be free from it forever…. it drags on some more like a flogged to half-death donkey for another 30 bloody minutes. Bonus? The last 30 minutes were the WORST. Even watching Rain strutting around half naked speaking in very decent English didn’t salvage the movie for me, and this is coming from a person who REALLY digs Rain.

It’s nothing but a corny, unfunny, self-indulgant wankfest. It wouldn’t have been so bad if the movie didn’t take itself so seriously, but it DID.

What’s worse was that I already braced myself for it. I KNEW it was going to be terrible. I knew the ratings for it were trash. And when you expect the worse, sometimes the outcome isn’t as bad as you expect it to be. I cleared my mind. Told myself I’ll just watch it for fucks. For the crazy blinding colours. For the awesome hi-tech racing cars. But even THEN, even with my sub-zero expectations, it still didn’t prepare me for this terrible, awful, mindless, pointless idiotic piece of shit that stole away 2 hours of my freaking life. 2 hours which I will NEVER get back. Ever. Nothing could’ve saved this movie from what it really is; a terrible, awful, mindless, pointless idiotic piece of shit. And you come out of the theater with a freaking headache and a severe case of “WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED”.

Don’t even bother buying Uncle Ho’s DVD. It’s not worth the waiting for it to download it for free either. But if you don’t believe me and really have to see it for yourself, then be my guest, but I told you so okay!

Some more put on the posters big big “From the creators of the Matrix Trilogy”. Hah! I didn’t even like Matrix 2 and 3 ANYWAY.

Fuck man. I told myself I will STAY AWAY from ALL BAD MOVIES in 2008 but track record hasn’t been very good.

Rotten Tomatoes
IMDB
Official website

Reviews | 12 Comments

Iron Man

Thursday, May 1st, 2008

Let’s face it. The only thing you want to know after finding this shitty result on google is weather you should watchIron Man.

With absolutely no authority at all - I declare that you must or your will never be complete.

Ask yourself the following question:

1. Have you liked most of Stan Lee’s work on the big screen (with the exception of Fantastic 4 which is a huge disappointment in my humble opinion)
2. Big fan of Robert Downey Jr.?

If you answered yes to both of the above, chances are you WILL enjoy Iron Man.

Flawless CGI effects.
Robert nailing the role.
The movie being true to the comic.
Gweneth Paltrow being likeable and moderately hot.
Pretty clever lines.
Background music which makes you WANT TO KICK SOME ASS.

Do you really need more reasons why you should go watch the movie?

Honestly, I rate Spiderman 1 and Batman Begins higher than this. Spiderman 1 because it was more like a first mover advantage shock-awe feeling. Batman Begins because it was just damn awesome

Well, it might just be a tad slow for some. A tad. Especially after a long, hard day’s work, when the screening is at night on a weekday, with you knowing full well that you need to wake up damn fucking early to continue working hardly the next day. With that feeling - it would kind of spoil your movie experience. Just a tad bit.

Otherwise, fucking awesome balls.

So stop wasting your time reading this mindless shit and go watch it already for fucks sakes.

… or somebody’s gonna get a hurt real bad

Thanks Eyeris.

By the way, single malt whiskey events are really mind-blowingly awesome. _hic_

Reviews | 16 Comments

The Kite Runner

Monday, April 14th, 2008

A story of 2 childhood Afghan friends torn apart by the protagonist’s cowardice who eventually faces up to his past and attempts to atone for his childhood misdeeds only many, many years later.

If you’re looking for a feel-good cotton candy rainbows kind of movie then this is definitely not it. Do not let the poster fool you.

It’s a very emotional movie. Raw human emotions were depicted so believably I easily forget that it’s all an act. It pushes you to feel terrible. It compels you to confront with genuine human emotions relating to difficult, morally-challenging decisions ordinary people are make to survive. It’ll make you cringe.

Although there were plenty enough of realistic light-hearted scenes which you can relate to, making you smile as you’re transported back to your fondest childhood memories - it was the dark ones that leaves an impression on you. The brutal and unpleasant taboo moments which grab you by your shoulders and force you to keep looking, leaving you with that bitter aftertaste of it in your mouth, a cold chill down your spine and a guilty pang in the inner recesses of your stomach.

It’s beautiful, but beautiful is such an inappropriate word to describe it because it’s so emotionally disturbing at the same time.

The storytelling was brilliant - fluid and gripping, very unlike a lot of adapted-from-a-book type of movies. I haven’t read the book, but those who have said it was a very good adaptation.

The acting was excellent. The scripts were good. The scenes were shot so well.

No it’s definitely NOT one of those pretentious try-hard inde-artsy push-my-holier- than-thou-virtues-down-your-throat type of movie at all. I hate those types of movies anyway.

Can’t say too much, because trying to recall the story would make me depressed and unsettled all over again.

A very good watch, and I would recommend it highly. Any movie which is moving enough to make grown boys cry is worth a watch, in my humble opinion. So do come prepared with some tissues though, trust me.

More info:
Official website
On IMDB

Reviews | 13 Comments

Spiderwick

Tuesday, April 1st, 2008

Spiderwick is yet another kiddy-fantasy movie adapted from a children’s book. Oh no? Oh yes! The trailers were showing everywhere since last year and it looked so promising I was itching to watch it! No regrets! It was definitely not your usual Narnia (plastic kids), The Golden Compass (only the CGI characters were lovable), or Harry Potter (argh stop it already) as the significant difference with those and this was that in Spiderwick, the kids COULD actually ACT! Sigh, it’s lame that the ability to act doesn’t seem to be a requirement to star in a movie anymore these days.

I especially liked the protagonist - Freddie Highmore (one might remember him in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory) who takes on a dual role as a pair of TWINS and I loved BOTH his characters. He does sorta reminds me of Haley Joel Osment in his younger years circa 1999 in The Sixth Sense - except Freddie is more English, better at being emo, and a bit more cuter haha! David Strathairn played his role as Arthur Spiderwick so perfectly I wished he was MY granduncle! And the CGI! Oh the CGI were so pretty! There were critics bitching that the movie relied on too much CGI but that’s not being really fair. In this century of King Kong and LOTR, is there really any other way to showcase goblins, trolls, ogres, sprites and the other twin so realistically without spending too much time and money? Paper and wire works? Clay and stop motion? Electronic puppets? Yeah right STFU let’s see you make your own fantasy movie without CGIs, morons.

I can’t quite comment at how true it is to the book but apparently it’s a mishmash of the entire series of five but completely left out book four. Thanks Wikipedia! But from someone who never read the book before the plot of the movie was very straightforward and the story-telling was fluid, very unlike a certain jumpy and disjointed installment of a certain wizardboy movie which even managed to confuse its own avid/rabid fanboi readers.

The movie can be a tad bit scary at parts for chicken hearted kids (like me; I had to close my eyes a bit and peek out of my hands hehe), but it’s no where as creepy, terrifying and adult-oriented as Pan’s Labyrinth (which was a pretty darn good movie in its own right but why was it marketed as a kiddy movie here? Sure it’s a kiddy movie if you don’t want them kids to sleep alone in the dark for the REST OF THEIR LIVES).

Overall it’s a thoroughly enjoyable kiddy movie!

My first good movie of the year and it definitely rips Be Kind, Rewind into shreds.

Thanks for the tickets Eyeris!

Reviews | 6 Comments

Be Kind, Rewind

Wednesday, March 26th, 2008

Oh god no please don’t inflict us with yet another Jack Black movie. Sure, School of Rock was pretty fun but School of Rock was pretty fun because the children were pretty fun. The bad bit about the movie was where Jack “LOOK AT ME MA I’M MAKING FUNNY FACES AND INSULTING EVERYBODY AIN’T I FUNNY” Black shows up all the fucking time. He has a face that’s begging me to punch it in and stomp on it. With a heavy, blunt, metal object. Repeatedly.

Oh well, let’s just give the new movie a try… it sounds promising enough on IMDB. Maybe Jack “LOOK AT ME PHYSICALLY INJURING MYSELF AGAIN WITH A YET ANOTHER MUNDANE HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE OMG I’M A COMIC GENIUS” Black might tone it down a bit and allow the movie to just be a tad bit more enjoya….. ARGHHHH NO!!!!!!111one WHYYYYYYYY!!!?!?!?! WHY. DO. YOU. KEEP. RUBBING. YOUR. POMPOUS. OBNOXIOUS. UNFUNNY. ASS. ON. OUR. FACES?

Well, the movie idea alone was awesome enough and I would’ve liked it immensely except for a few teeny tiny little details which ruined everything - the people IN it. Jack “LOOK AT ME SHOUTING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS AND FLAYING MY ARMS ABOUT OMG I’M SO FUNNY PEOPLE WILL FIGHT TO EAT MY UNDERWEAR” Black had to be his usual vulgar crude self and absolutely ruined everything for me. Mos Def was more annoying than a tantrum-throwing kid screaming in the middle of a restaurant. I mean just because he looks like he has a slow-learning disability doesn’t mean he has to act like he has a slow-learning disability. I hated him in H2G2, and I hated him now. Somebody please slap him about with a large trout. Take those 2 idiots out and replace them with any other 2 monkeys from a zoo and I guarantee that the movie will blow minds and win awards.

Another thing that really irked me is the randomness, the lack of continuity and the overall sense of pointlessness. Cut stop go okay let’s put all these tOh-Tah-LeE FAR-neE bits in every 5 seconds cut stop go throw in some sentimental bullshit cut stop go we need depth let’s sprinkle in some depth here and here cut stop go ooh let’s not forget some tacky pseudo-moral elements cut stop go ROMANCE! How could we forget that! Cut stop voila! Jack Black movie!

Argh. So not for me - negative million. No more Jack Black movies for me ever, please.

Actually I really want to watch Ah Long Pte Ltd and Spiderwick. _mow?_

Looking forward to so many movies this American summer! Iron Man! Indiana Jones! The Incredible Hulk! The Dark Knight! WallE! Yeay! What are you looking forward to?

Reviews | 17 Comments